Lacking confidence in my work and my abilities has been a shadow cast upon my career as an artist for a very long time. Much like a real shadow, it doesn’t physically impede me from moving forward. However, it still stops me in my tracks out of fear of being unable to see beyond it. The judging shadow envelopes me in darkness so my shine is diminished. I’ve always held the belief that it is important to be self-critical, however, my feelings of inadequacy go beyond self-criticism. This extreme self-doubt has really been imposter syndrome.
What is imposter syndrome?
Imposter syndrome is having feelings of fraudulence and inadequacy despite there being oppositional evidence. A person with imposter syndrome can not internalize success, and instead will look past it to focus on perceived failures and shortcomings.
How my imposter syndrome developed.
Proving I belonged in the art world despite lack of classical training has always been important to me. I believe this, coupled with issues originating in childhood have ultimately led me to develop imposter syndrome now as an adult far into my art career.
It has been my experience that being self-taught carries it’s own stigma. I feel as if I must be better than the average person to be taken seriously. My perception has been, that those who produce mediocre work, but have training seem to get a pass because of that education. Applying for shows and exhibits that require stacked CV’s only perpetuates this perception and further fuels my insecurities. I believe I would be okay if all I had were insecurities. However, the root of my imposter syndrome goes much deeper than being self-taught.
From an early age I was encouraged to be a high achiever, and I drew a lot of my own self-worth from the validation I received from others – especially my parents. Unfortunately, my parents’ encouragement only went so far as to encourage me to high achieve. At first, perfection was rewarded, and anything less was met with little to no fanfare. As perfection became more and more normalized, the bar for success was raised and subsequently praise became less and less. Additionally, success through great effort was not seen as an accomplishment at all.
Thankfully, the need for their validation did not extend to all parts of my life. However, it did latch onto my art career. Regardless of how many successful commissions I landed, artworks I’ve sold, and shows there has been a part of my parents never seemed moved. They react with indifference most of the time, and with mild enthusiasm at best. Without realizing it, my confidence eroded to the point that I could not believe in my own ability, nor could I believe in any positive response I received from others.
My inclination for perfectionism and my desire to prove my artistic competence spiraled out of control until it reached the point of becoming imposter syndrome.
The effect on my art career.
Being creative is my life’s passion, so I have persisted with my art career despite not fully believing in myself as an artist. This truly causes me to feel like a fraud anytime I am asked to produce or show work. Even when I agree to take on a project, I am always struck with fear that I won’t live up to expectations. This fear is compounded even more if I receive praise beforehand. Comments like, “You’re so talented!” should be ego snacks, but for me they only provoke anxiety. This anxiety has even led me to decline work because the fear of being “found out” was too much to bear.
Most detrimentally, has been my penchant for procrastination. Procrastination has become a defense mechanism both in between projects and during them. If I don’t start something, there is nothing to mess up. Such has been my thinking as I’ve sat in front of a blank canvas countless times. I will say I need to be in the right headspace to make art, but really I am just afraid to mess up.
Conversely, when I’m not procrastinating, I’m over preparing. When I do accept a job or dive into my own work it’s always prefaced with excessive research and produced with meticulous attention to detail. I will regularly burn myself out while working on a piece because it needs to be perfect. In my mind, any flaw will reveal I’m a fake. If it starts to fall short, I will scrap it without hesitation and start again. In the end, I tell myself that I was lucky it turned out well before hoping no one else sees it for the trash I eventually come to think it is.
Working in secret has been another subconscious tactic for dealing with my self-inflicted pressures. Drawing in front of others has become a stupid scary thing for me. I have always admired artists that plein air paint or do real time drawings to entertain others. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do at art shows but could never muster up the courage for. I worried that if I could not perfectly execute a piece, then everyone would see I’m really a trash wannabe artist. By working in the solitude of my own studio, no one can see my mistakes and multiple drafts – thus continuing the illusion that I am a real artist.
Where I currently stand with imposter syndrome.
If all of this sounds crazy – it is. I’ve gained enough personal insight to see how incorrect my thinking and behaviors are. Taking compliments with suspicion that the giver is just being nice; comparing all my perceived failures to others’ successes; and not considering my ideals to be unrealistic is totally mega-bonkers. However, as frank as I can get about it, my mind still wants to immediately shift back into, “you’re a fake” anytime I start to feel okay with calling myself an artist. It’s a real testament to how perception can shape our reality and how hard it can be to change those long-standing views.
Thankfully, awareness is a major step forward. After all, you can’t fix what you don’t know is broke. As of writing this, I have been learning about and working through imposter syndrome for a few months now. A big deal commission is what really pushed me to figure out my problems and get better. When the job came up, the fear and anxiety came up too. After a second of joy, I immediately became scared that I couldn’t produce the quality of work they wanted and the façade of me as an artist would be made crystal clear. I know I would have declined the job if it weren’t for the fact I was in a situation where I felt I couldn’t decline it – no matter who much anxiety I felt accepting it.
Having my back against the wall forced me to take a step back and think about it. Clearly the client believed in my ability, so why didn’t I? I thought about all the good work I’ve done, the accolades I’ve received, and why the client believed in my talent. All of it pointed to being a legit artist. It was at that point I knew I needed to do something about the negative feelings I held onto for so long. Feelings that have run me down and stopped me in my tracks for long enough.
Going forward and changing my perspective.
Shifting my focus has been my go-to for dealing with imposter syndrome thoughts. It’s a simple solution on paper, but sometimes frustrating to execute due to how stubborn the human mind can be. However, while I cannot necessarily control what I feel, I can control my response to it. Learning to shift my focus from “I’m a fraud – and here’s why” to “here’s proof that I am legit” has instrumental with confronting this issue.
Whenever I start to question my ability, I look back on previous work and clients. I recall the emotional reactions that can’t be faked and remind myself those were genuine testaments to my skill. I take works that I am still very much proud of and remind myself that it wasn’t luck that brought them into existence or even “hard work”. It was my own natural talent and skill that made them happen – because I AM an artist.
Additionally, I’ve been trying to be gentler when it comes to perfectionism too. I can look at someone else’s art, with colour outside the lines, and absolutely love it, while also thinking it would be unacceptable if I made it. That logic would then follow as, “if I can’t accept it, no one else will and they will know I am not truly talented.” I used to blindly accept this line of reasoning, however, now I force myself to question it. I turn toxic thinking into a healing tool, by asking why I would be different. No other artist needs to make perfect works to be considered an artist – so I remined myself, neither do I.
Another viewpoint I’m working on changing is the idea of struggle. In today's world of social media fueled curated perfection, it’s easy to equate struggle with failure. That the legit artist does not and has never struggled. I always fear if others see me struggle with a drawing or painting it will prove I am not a real artist. This idea is brought to the forefront whenever I draw and paint in front of someone and even recordings for Youtube. This mindset is easy to slip into, however, I try to dismiss it as soon as I can. Truthfully, even if there is someone who never struggles and is amazing 100% of the time, it does not invalidate every other person in that profession. I remind myself that struggle is okay and beneficial for learning and growing. I am an artist regardless of how easy or hard the process is.
Final thoughts.
I didn’t develop imposter syndrome overnight and it won’t fade away any quicker either. However, consistency is key for getting better. Each day that I practice self-validation and remind myself that I am an artist the shadow of imposter syndrome gets weaker and smaller.
Anyone can have imposter syndrome about anything. I hope sharing my own experiences is helpful to those who may be dealing with the same issues. Life is too short to waste it worrying about something that is mostly subjective, and only serves to hold you back from opportunities and growth potential.
For an in-depth information regarding imposter syndrome: https://www.sciencetheearth.com/uploads/2/4/6/5/24658156/2011_sakulku_the_impostor_phenomenon.pdf